


I'm In Hell, I've Gotta Tell Somebody Now (or, Ethan Is A King)

by Rine3195



Series: Ethan Green Is Alive and Wilbur Cross Gets Redeemed Fuck You [2]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Ethan is very bitter and can you blame him, I guess Becky's in it she gets mentioned, Insults, Nonbinary Ethan Green, Other, Wilbur is GETTING REDEEMED WATCH ME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24157741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rine3195/pseuds/Rine3195
Summary: Unfortunately, even the best laid plans of monsters and men go astray.And sometimes, the reasons plans go astray was because of the target deciding to not go with the plan whatsoever and instead be a little bitch.Or, Ethan's default mode is sarcasm and insults, and interdimensional beings don't know how to deal.
Relationships: Lex Foster/Ethan Green
Series: Ethan Green Is Alive and Wilbur Cross Gets Redeemed Fuck You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738759
Comments: 20
Kudos: 60





	I'm In Hell, I've Gotta Tell Somebody Now (or, Ethan Is A King)

Wiggly was furious.

It had been banished to the darkest, farthest corner of the Black and White by Webby, that stupid bitch, with only its minion for company. And while Wiley was a help sometimes, he was mostly a pest. It had had Ethan Green in its clutches, so close to capturing those damn Fosters, and then had them ripped out of its grasp. And having to be stuck in the darkness with Wiley whining about his general ex boyfriend and not being able to get him as well was starting to drive it nuts.

But then it had an idea. It still had a pull on Green’s soul, whether they knew it or not. And after discussing things with Wiley, it had a plan.

Unfortunately, even the best laid plans of monsters and men go astray.

And sometimes, the reasons plans go astray was because of the target deciding to not go with the plan whatsoever and instead be a little bitch.

To sum it up, Ethan Andrew Green was both the pawn and the wrench in the plan.

Ethan, Mr. Houston and the Fosters had made it to the hospital without passing out, which they all considered an absolute win. However, as there were a bunch of people already in the ER, and Ethan didn't seem to have any severe injuries, they were told to wait. Ethan sat down in one of the only chairs left and Lex sat down in the chair beside them. Hannah curled up at their feet with Mr. Houston and started to tell him all about spiders. Lex grabbed Ethan's hand and squeezed it.

"Hey babe. I'm right here. Not going anywhere, I promise."

She looked at them with an expression they'd never seen before. "Promise?" she said, voice shaky.

"Promise." They squeezed her hand back. "Get some sleep, okay?"

She nodded and put her head on their shoulder, closing her eyes, but the little worry crease between her eyebrows wouldn't go away. Luckily, Ethan did know how to fix that. They ran their fingers through her hair, combing it, separating three pieces, and starting to braid. They did until Lex's breathing evened out. Then, they sank down in their chair and closed their eyes. Sleeping had always been a comfort for Ethan. Whenever their parents were fighting or their dad was yelling and smashing things, they would sink into their bed and drift off. Nothing in their dreams was scarier than what they faced while awake.

Unfortunately, an underwater creature from out of this world was about to fuck that up too.

Ethan opened their eyes. Black.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" they yelled. "Am I dead AGAIN!?"

They heard a low, creepy chuckle. "What the FUCK was that?!"

"I think you know who it is, Ethan." Ethan turned around and saw him. Denim Satan. Wiley.

"YOU!" he yelled. Then he started to punch him. "You! Scared! My! Kid! You! Used! My! Soul! To! Scare! Her!" They frowned. "Why! Aren't! These! Punches! Doing! Anything!"

"You aren't here physically, Ethan. You aren't dead. Which means your punches won't do a single thing against me. We're going to have a talk."

"No! I'm pissed off at you! I'm pissed off at Wiggly! I'm pissed off at-" they paused, trying to think of something else to be mad about. "That stupid pin!" they exclaimed, pointing to the flag pin. "SK? What the hell does that even mean??"

The wolfish grin got wider. "I told you, some old friendy-wends of mine."

"Who the hell'd be friends with you anyways, other than some sort of weird satanic cult? You know what, don't answer that."

"Well, I've got another friend I'd love for you to meet." said Wiley, advancing slowly.

"No no no, dude. Fuck that, fuck you, fuck th-" They turned around and were met with two gigantic, yellow, spotlight-bright eyes.

"Hewwo, Ethan. Pleased to meet you."

Ethan's "WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK!!??" was so loud everyone in the emergency room could probably hear it from a different dimension.

Ethan wished they were dead. How in the flippity flappity fuck were they talking to Neon Green Lucifer?

"Okay. Who the fuck are you? I'm pretty sure I know, just looking to confirm."

"I'm Wiggly, Ethan. It's so lovely to have you in my happy home."

"If this is your home, it sucks ass, dude. Where are the couches? Where are the beds?"

Wiggly ignored the last remark. "I have a proposition for you, Ethan, and I do hope you take it."

"Not likely."

"What if you, Lex, and Hannah were safe?"

Ethan didn't want to admit it, but their ears pricked up at that. "What?"

"No more stealing, no more pain. The three of you together, safe from all harm."

Ethan couldn't deny it, it sounded wonderful. "Sounds great. Where's the but?"

"All you need to do is give us your soul-"

"Ah, there it is."

"And you will all be safe, forever."

"Doesn't that sound nice, Ethan?" Wiley spoke up, eyes gleaming with greed. "Your sweet little family safe? Lex never having to deal with asshole customers again? Hannah never having meltdowns?"

Ethan tensed up at the mention of Lex and Hannah. These two were good, somehow knowing they only gave a shit about the Fosters, nothing about themself.

"And what about that nice man, Mr…Houston? We could make him happy again, take away his PTSD, all that. That sounds good, huh?"

Shit. They wanted that. They missed the Mr. Houston that taught them shop, who taught them how to fix a car. The Mr. Houston that told his classes to call him Tom, who gave Ethan ice packs for their black eyes and bandaids for their cuts, who saw they weren't bringing in any lunch and made a point of bringing them a sandwich every day. The man who was more of a father to them than their real father ever was. When Mr. Houston's wife died, however, it all changed. He didn't show up, and when he did, he wasn't himself, irritable and sad. 

Fuck, were they going to cry again? They felt tears welling up in their eyes. Four times in one day, now that was a record.

Ethan would do anything for Mr. Houston's pain to go away. But as they looked at Wiley's grin that was a little too wide to be sincere, they knew that it wouldn't be that easy. They blinked away the tears and stood up a little straighter.

"Honestly, guys, the proposition sounds great."

"See, it's not so hard to make the right decision!" Wiggly giggled.

"But I'm going to have to say no."

A pause, then, that Wiley broke. "What?"

"I said no. You know why? Because it's never that easy. You despise me. Why would you give me everything I want with almost no catch? You want something from me, don't you?" A thought came to them. “You’re going to try and use me to get to the Fosters AGAIN. They’re needed. They’re the one thing stopping you, aren’t they. Well guess what, bitch! Tried it once, failed, not gonna work again! You aren't getting anywhere near my family.”

While Wiley and Wiggly sat there, comprehending how horribly wrong their plan had gone, Ethan’s mind was racing at a million miles per hour. They didn’t know how much power those uwu demons had, but they had a feeling they couldn't do much. They decided to test it.

"You know what, Wiggly? By the way, terrible name. Wiggly is the least threatening name ever. I don't think you have any power at all here. That's why you need the Fosters, huh?"

Wiggly was silent. Ethan took that as a yes and kept going. "It is! I knew it. You're weak, Wiggly. Growing weaker by the minute."

Was it their imagination, or did the gigantic glowing eyes seem to dim?

"We stopped you before, we'll stop you again. Not all humans are as predictable as you seem to think they are. But that might be because you're dumb."

The eyes twitched. 

"Also, Wiggly. Quit the owo talk. If you thought it would make humans trust you, mission not accomplished. It’s just weird and creepy. Kind of like you."

The eyes twitched once, twice, and vanished.

"NO!" screamed Wiley. He rounded on Ethan. "How the hell did you-"

"I don't know," said Ethan, feeling more powerful than they'd ever felt before. 

Wiley's grin was back, more manic than ever. "You haven't won yet, Ethan. We'll call you back in here every night, if that's what it takes, but you will say yes to us."

"Cool," Ethan was beyond giving a flying fuck. "I would like to say something to you, though."

“What?” Wiley snarled. 

Ethan smirked. “I hate the outfit, dude.”

Wiley’s scowl vanished, replaced by a look of utter confusion. “What?”

“My girlfriend, Lex? She says you hit on her in the exact outfit that you’re wearing right now. First of all, gross, she’s seventeen years old, man! Second of all, that is the worst outfit to hit on someone in. Get your rejected-Backstreet-Boy-lookin ass away from my amazingly beautiful girlfriend.”

Wiley regained the grin, if it was slightly less wide than before. “Well, Ethan, I can have my way with any man, woman, and entity I want, no matter what I’m wearing. I’m sure you don’t have the same luck.”

Ouch. An outfit jab. Luckily, they already had a comeback.

“Dude, that’s even grosser than the last thing you said. This outfit, by the way? Peak pansexual fashion. Ask my girlfriend, a known bisexual. Speaking of my girlfriend, she said when you were hitting on her you looked at her and said ‘Well well well… hello naughty list.’” Ethan sighed heavily. “Wil- can I call you Wil?”

“No,” Wiley said through gritted teeth.

“Well, you stole my soul, so I’m going to. Wil, if anyone said something like that to me, I’d run for the hills. I doubt that line’s worked on anyone. Ever. The whole entity thing too, might wanna take that out of the spiel, it makes it sound like you fucked Wiggly. Did you fuck Wiggly? You know what, don’t answer that.”

Wiley growled, honest to god growled at them, and grabbed them by the shirt collar. “Watch your mouth, Green.”

“Or what? You’ll steal my soul?” Ethan laughed. They were having a blast. “You don’t have that power anymore, do you?”

Wiley shook his head grudgingly. "You're going back."

"To my dimension? Hell yeah! I'll be back with more insults and without a concussion." Ethan shook their head, grinning from ear to ear. "You are getting predictable. Never good for a supervillain. 'Cause guess what, Wiley? YA BASI-"

Wiley snapped his fingers and Ethan blinked awake.

"E?" Lex said, looking concerned. "You good?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, I'm fine. What's wrong?" It was true, Ethan was feeling better than they ever had before. 

Ethan had three broken ribs and a severe concussion. Mr. Houston took the three of them in and told them that Ethan, Hannah, and Lex were both going back to school after things got back to normal. No one complained, not even Lex. Ethan knew that she knew they had to get a good education if they ever wanted to make it to California. Hannah was getting along fine with Tim, which was honestly a miracle. Tim was very quiet, which allowed Hannah to infodump all the information about spiders onto him. He would talk about trucks and video games, and she would sit and listen quietly. It was a symbiotic relationship.

Lex was getting an interview with this guy from a “government agency” they'd never heard of, and Tom was very suspicious, but was trying to relax. Becky's constant presence helped.

True to Wiley's promise, Ethan was called back every night. And true to Ethan's promise, every night they roasted the shit out of Wiley and Wiggly both. 

It went on for TWO WEEKS. A consistent stream of insults, ranging from Wiley's hair, to the "ugly as shit" Wiggly design, to Wiley's southern accent that "sounded like Daniel Craig in Knives Out except you're not Daniel Craig so it doesn't work with you."

"WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THESE INSULTS FROM?!" Wiley finally snapped.

(Little did he know, Ethan was keeping a notebook full of prepared jabs at the Houston household)

Finally, Ethan stopped and sat in silence while in the Black and White, after refusing the proposal again, of course.

Wiley may or may not have cried tears of joy after they left.

Unfortunately, Ethan was not down without a fight.

The next night, they showed up, rejected the proposal, and stood there silently as Wiggly vanished from view.

"Well? Any snarky comments? Any insults? Anything at all?"

Ethan didn't say anything. Then they grinned.

"September first, 1989."

"Wait-" Wiley's stomach dropped.

"Dear diary-"

That night, Wiley sat through a one-man performance of Heathers: the Musical. He had to admit, it was very well done and Ethan could sing quite well.

He was ready to kill Ethan the next day when they did A Chorus Line. He had… less than pleasant memories of A Chorus Line. The next day was Hamilton, which was better. Day after day, Ethan had a new musical to perform for Wiley. And something was… happening to Wiley. Ethan noticed it. His eyes were becoming less yellow and his smile was turning less demonic, more human. Sometimes if Ethan finished a show early, they'd just ramble to Wiley about everything from capitalism to California. Wiley listened. 

One night, Ethan performed a musical that Wiley had never heard of before. They said it was called Hadestown. It was… beautiful, despite Ethan claiming they were not doing it justice. But maybe he started to realize things were truly changing for him when he started crying.

Ethan looked at him, stopping singing, very confused, but Wiley told them to keep going. They finished and looked at him with a strange expression.

"Go home, Ethan. I've gotta think."

Ethan nodded, and Wiley snapped his fingers and Ethan disappeared.

Wiley frowned, starting to think. Longer and harder than he had in a while. This kid was helping him… feel again.

He gasped and put a hand to his chest. Something was stirring inside, something he hadn't felt in thirteen years.

His soul was returning.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone figures out all of the pop culture/Black Friday song references in this, I will love you forever.  
> I'm on Tumblr @ifeelasongcomingon  
> I'd just like to say that when I first wrote that Wiley was Wiggly's minion, the Vibing Over Paul Matthews chat took it upon themselves to photoshop Wiley's head onto a picture of a minion. So make of that what you will.


End file.
